Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
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*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.