I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
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Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
is this a threat
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW