Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
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Life hack
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Natural selection at its finest
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?