In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
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“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
not for long
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Natural selection at its finest
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef