Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
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Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN