In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
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Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses