Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
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MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on