The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
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If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does