im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
You Might Also Like
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!