Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My work here is done
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.