{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
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[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
@ candidates for local office
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.