1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
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Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.