I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.