Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
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5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
okay run it by me one more time
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please