The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
You Might Also Like
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?