I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
You Might Also Like
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I needed a laugh this morning.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Nothing to do, you say?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I think I’ll stand
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.