My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
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3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
the clam before the storm
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”