[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
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people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”