A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
british sex workers really pound for pound
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”