dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
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last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”