One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right