Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
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me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.