Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
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In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!