*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
You Might Also Like
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
So creative 😂
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.