Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
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lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.