I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
That earthquake could have been an email.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.