Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
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[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
choose your fighter
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.