*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
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There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.