A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
You Might Also Like
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.