sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
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When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.