[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
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Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk