I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.