If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
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*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.