Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
no one ever comes back
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun