In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
a badder mouse
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.