*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
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[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
this country is so goddamn polarized
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?