Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
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Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Good morning y’all ☀️
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages