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Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
it was love at first sight
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.