The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
only 11 steps left
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.