ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
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I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows