Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee