My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
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[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Just a reminder, folks:
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
When life hands you women, make women laid.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.