[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
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There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me too door. Me too.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere