“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
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I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*