I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
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Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello