Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
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me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?