If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.