Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
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If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
i wish we could shoplift online
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete