lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
japanese corn
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.