I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
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you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Mission: Impossible
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
why would tinder want me to say this
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!